Moving on

So. I got pregnant. Not planned. Not expected. But without any doubt the best moment of my life. When i found out, i mean. The exact moment i got pregnant, well… let’s keep that for another post…

I instantly knew i had to do this alone. The soon-to-be daddy (let’s call him ‘J’, ’cause he’ll be referred to a lot on this blog…) wouldn’t be there for me. I told him i was pregnant a week after New Year. He immediatly dumped me. Right there. Right then. He told me he found someone else. Couldn’t have been long, because we celebrated newyears eve a week before and at that point he did not have someone else.

Whatever. The pregnancy continued. I enjoyed it. Every single minute of it. J asked me to get an abortion. Later he asked if we could tell everyone that ‘he just knocked me up because i wanted to be a single mom’. He went back and for wanting the child, not wanting the child, maybe wanting the child, not knowing what he wanted,… Pretty tiring! But hey, i needed to learn how to handle kids, so maybe handling J acting as a toddler helped me somehow… And i still enjoyed every single minute of being pregnant.

A week before the birth he told me he had another girlfriend. She left her husband and two kids to be with J. A week before i gave birth. They immediatly went on holiday together. A week before i gave birth. They moved in together. A week before i gave birth.

Need i to say i wasn’t happy about it? What angers me the most is the fact that he never gave us a try. Maybe it wouldn’t have worked out. Probably it wouldn’t. But he was willing to give it a try with whoever came along, except with me and my little girl. That hurts the most. And that’s probably something i won’t be able to forgive…

Fast forward… So i gave birth. To a healthy beautiful little girl. My little everything. In a couple of days she will be 3 years old. I’m living on a bright pink cloud since the day i found out i was pregnant. It may have been hard sometimes. It probably was. But i tend to forget those things. I’m so incredibly happy with her by my side… The only black cloud who once and awhile is upsetting our sunny pink world, that’s J.

We all moved on since the birth of my little girl. I bought a house. In our small town. Yes, i know! That’s not a brand new start if you move somewhere everyone knows you and has opinions about you… But on the other hand: help is always just around the corner!
So. Me and L (my precious girly girl) moved in our own little crib 1,5 years ago. With the help (both hands-on and financial) of my parents, we are now in the final stages of renovating it. Our lives are good. We really did move on. Our own house, L going to pre-school, me having a good job,…

I still struggle though. With my weight, of course. But that’s not that important. But also with J. He started a custody battle a few months ago. We have an agreement now. He only wants to see L two times a month and only for a couple of hours. I can live with that. And i want L to know her dad. She needs to form her own opinion about him. But the agreement still needs to be confirmed in court. The date is set in octobre. It ‘s not something i’m looking forward too. Because i know J. He changes his mind quicker then i can blink. The insecurity about what he might be telling, asking and demanding the judge in october, isn’t a comforting thought. But we’ll see…

Also. He and his girlfriend broke up. A month ago. He called me to tell me that. Although we hadn’t talked to each other in months. That very evening he stood at my door. And i let him in.
Since then he slept at our place 4 times. Last friday being the last time. I know that’s not good. That’s not me moving on. That’s me being a doormat. Can’t complain about my sexlife anymore, that’s one thing. But actually, that’s the only thing.

He’s pretty blunt about it. He doesn’t want a relationship with me. He is mad at me. He doesn’t like me. He just wants to sleep with me. Sometimes. When he wants to. And that’s probably when he doesn’t find anyone else available.

That’s not good. I know i’m being used. I know i desperatly need to move on. But i’m equally desperate to give our family a chance. So L can at least have a memory of her mommy and daddy spending time together…

So there you have it. Me with my own house, my good job, my nice income, my masters degree and my almost-picture-perfect-house.

And then you have J. Living in a dump, his drivers license suspended for three years. In seriously deep financial depts. No degree at all, working ‘on his own’,… No picture perfect at all. A smoking, drinking, tattooed narcisist at the best of time.

Why the hell can’t i move on from him??

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